welcome to hormone hell
by Marnopoly
Summary: written for a great pairing called blackice, a semi-serious idea written under the guidance of a friend whose encouragement made this possible. slight oc involvement but not really all that much. ( frequently mentioned problems below the belt )


so basically pitch is mad and he's like "wow okay time for plan 1,000,000,001"  
and he inhabits a baby and he's "okay foolproof plan nothing can go wrong"  
guess what IT'S A GIRL CONGRATS welcome to shadow hell, Phoebe  
alright so phoebe is like "well shit okay I can make this work"  
except cONFLICTED FEELINGS WHAT IS THIS?  
it's a cHILDHOOD HOLY CRAP WARM FUZZY FEELINGS OF FAMILY WARMTH  
cue sobbing in dark corners

time-skip to middle school and phoebe and her family have moved to burgess  
can it get any better? YES JUST TRY YOUR LUCK, PHOEBE  
becomes friends with sophie while quietly loathing her existence like wow kid  
babysat by jamie while darkly glaring at him and sophie when they look away  
what an angelic child, smashing priceless porcelain dolls at grandma's, too

okay so finally she meets jack who's like "wow ur a cute kid" and she's like "fuck off"  
except in less vile language and more of just a silent glare  
jack is not deterred, he will win her over if it's the last snowball he freezes  
then wow, look at that, puberty does things! imagINE THAT, PHOEBE.  
phoebe's got boobs and jack wants them  
jack is like "okay this is wrONG wait no I'm a teenage boy this is just fine"  
but phoebe is like "fuCK SHIT FUCK I AM A GROWN MAN THIS IS NOT OKAY"  
it's never gonna be okay just suck it up phoebe

so jack is now focused on ~wooing~ phoebe and sophie thinks it's hilarious  
jamie is just grateful it's not sophie in phoebe's place  
trust me kid, you don't want your sister inhabited by pitch  
so now jack has eterna-boner and he's not sure what to do  
and phoebe's confused because jack is NOT charming thank you very much  
and bunnymund is like "okay jack this is enough you can't date a mortal"  
jack is rebellious teenager "WATCH ME" and north is like "bye have fun"  
tooth is sad b/c hey she likes jack cOME BACK JACK  
sandy is suspicious because he knows something's up with phoebe  
hint: it's not jack's boner

so pitch has his horror of "oh my god this is what seraphina went through"  
conveniently followed by "okay but how is jack hot when he's so cold"  
ultimately becoming "okay maybe it's time to cancel this plan"  
you're sixteen years too late, pitch. six. fucking. teen. years.  
so jack gets this bright idea when phoebe is particularly "down" (see: mad)  
and now they're at the north pole and north is like "HAVE LOTS OF BABIES, YES?"  
and bunnymund is just "no. north, focUS HERE."  
north is like "okay but I have cookies, elves, and need more children to give presents."  
bunnymund is not impressed.

at this point phoebe is like "okay yeah bye fairy girl you can haVE HIM BYE"  
and jack is like "hold up tho u haven't met sandy"  
sandy is gone. don't try it. he is not here to meet her.  
phoebe just wants to gO HOME AND GET BACK HIS BODY  
but jack is still hanging around and wow guess what  
anger kiss  
mwah that's called the start of a hatefuck relationship  
congrats kids ur gonna go far

okay but they're minors so there's no sex  
except jack's an adult I guess so he'll just have to wait  
good luck adjusting to two dicks, jack  
moVING FORWARD WITH THE PLAN, PHOEBE IS FINALLY ALONE  
obviously he sneaks out and heads to the location of his untimely demise  
aka that god forsaken pond  
aka jack's pond  
welcome home, honey  
but wow what's this it's thin ice? OH NO WHAT'LL HAPPEN?  
bye phoebe ur going under  
and jack is miserable like nO I WAS IN RUSSIA WHY DID YOU VISIT WHEN I WAS GONE  
and pitch is like "okay yeah have fun mourning a shell bye"

but while he's lamenting being a teenage girl he finds he has a boner  
like what? where did that come from?  
lo and behold, he's thinking about JACK FROST.  
imagine that. u got it hard for jack.  
so he's like "okay i can make this go away." (no u can't)  
and jack tracks down pitch because he's like "YOU TOTALLY KILLED MY GIRLFRIEND"  
jack u weren't dating it was unofficial just hate kisses  
and then pitch is like "goddamnit jack can't u see i have a pROBLEM HERE"  
jack wants nothing to do with your problem, pitch  
pitch doesn't care, he tells jack he's gonna call it even if jack lEAVES HIM TO BE MISERABLE

naturally, jack is confused. call what even? what?  
pitch outlines the fact he was phoebe all along  
jack gets mad but gUESS WHAT  
s  
and then jack flIES BACK LIKE WOAH WHAT I DIDN'T DO THAT  
AND PITCH IS LIKE DAMN STRAIGHT THAT NEVER HAPPENED  
so jack is like "okay calling it even now bYE"  
jack never tells anyone phoebe was pitch b/c he's still struggling with BONERLAND

so jack's got an icicle problem and pitch can't sheathe his sword  
and sandy is still super suspicious and north is sad because no babies  
bunnymund is like "i bet pitch is behind this"  
jack gets suPER ODD LIKE "HAHAHAHHAHAH NOOOOO THAT'S SO WEIRRRD"  
bunny is like "okay mate yeah sure u say that now"  
north is like "WE GO DESTROY PITCH, YES?"  
sandy is like no that's dumb don't go  
but no one is paying attention except jack who sandy is like "i'm onto u"  
sandy thinks jack is working with pitch  
nooooot quite sandy  
think more along the lines of "stay out of their dreams"

so bunny, north and tooth storm pitch's lair  
and he's still dramatically lamenting his hateboner for jack  
and he's like "okay I JUST kicked jack out can u please leave this is a bad time"  
and they're like "yOU KILLED A KID"  
and he's just "u mean me"  
cue guardian confusion  
nightmares are like "okay ur gonna go now"  
lotsa black sand in places it doesn't belong  
have fun getting that out of your feathers

so sandy and jack are having a staredown  
and jack cracks and just blurts that he wants to fuck pitch  
sandy's just "TMI THANKS BYE"  
jack's like "SORRY OKAY THIS IS REALLY HARD FOR ME"  
sandy doesn't want your boner puns, jack  
jack didn't mean to make one but okay sorry sandy  
suddenly north and the others are back  
and sandy is like "okay now what did you kids learn today"  
tooth is just "there is sand in places it doesn't belong"  
sandy says that's close enough now go home and think about what u done

jack can't go home tho because pitch is nearby  
too awkward he's not ready for that  
plus phoebe's funeral and he can't tell jamie and sophie their friend was the boogeyman  
so he's like "okay so there's a rock and a hard place-"  
sandy says jack what did i tell you about those puns  
jack says he still didn't mean to make them but sorry again  
north asks what's going on here and does jack need the talk?  
jack shouts NO and absconds like any wise teenager would when faced with that  
what's worse than your parents giving you the talk? santa claus giving you the talk.

so jack realizes him and pitch need to talk this out  
at least he thinks they can talk it out? maybe he'll ask jamie for ducttape  
and pitch is like "jack it's been a month i'm not talking to you"  
jack's a smartass and tries to make a joke by saying "don't you love me?"  
wow real smooth there old man winter  
so now it's even worSE LIKE WOW OKAY BRING CUPID INTO THIS MESS  
fyi cupid thinks this is fucking hilarious  
so jack is like "why did u do that"  
pitch is just "REVENGE?"  
jack is like "okay but my heART"  
"that looks like your dick to me but whatever you wanna call it" b/c pitch is onto him  
but not physically. not yet.

jack is inCREDIBLY FLUSTERED AND STARTS BABBLING AND TRYING TO COVER  
and pitch is like "okay you're a teenager with hormones i get it now shut up"  
and what does jack say? "MAKE ME" wow let's imagine what could go wrong here  
everything  
so pitch is like "FINE I CAN DO THAT" and wow that's a kiss for the record books  
and jack is like "holy shit i think i'm melting"  
it's okay jack you're eternally frozen u'll be okay  
so wow hot makeout session and this time jack DOESN'T abscond  
and pitch is like "okay that's actually not so bad"  
jack is like "but am i an adult because this is really bad if i'm not"  
pitch is like "you are it's been 300 years i think that's long enough"  
jack is like "oh okay then but you're still really freaky"  
pitch is just "thanks u don't know half of it"  
did you know winter spirits can blush? they can. it happened.

so then northern lights and jack is like "shIT THAT'S THE GUARDIANS"  
and pitch is like "okay but you don't /have/ to go"  
jack is like "but who's gonna mess with the kangaroo?"  
pitch points out they could stick him in a cage  
jack says that's going too far  
pitch says he meant jack but if he really doesnt want to-  
jack is like o h  
jack thinks it's a bad idea he needs to be taken to dinner first  
pitch is like okay whether or not you meant to think out loud you don't eat?  
jack says he eats snow  
pitch is like okay but we're both pretty much DEAD?  
jack says that's necrophilia and north says that's wrong  
pitch says that's only if one of them is still alive  
jack is like "oh i was severely misinformed"

pitch is like "yeah so come on don't go play with the kids"  
jack is like what about when you were a kid  
pitch is like we don't talk about that dark time  
jack thinks that's hilarious because pitch is the nightmare king  
pitch thinks it's NOT and should NOT be talked about  
jack zips his lips but we all know he's not dropping it

so jack doesn't show up to the meeting? super important?  
and toothiana is like "oH NO JACK IS GONNNNE"  
and bunnymund is like "good riddance"  
north is like "okay but he is one of us we must RESCUE HIM"  
sandy is trying to tell them he's probably off fucking pitch  
nobody is listening and sandy is like "okay but i LIKE my eyesight"  
so they're plannign to rescue jack? and baby tooth is like? okay but nightmares?  
the toothfairies remember that well  
they did not like being eaten  
so they're like "ma we're not going b y e"  
and babytooth goes to hide at jamie's place b/c wow no

and so in the meantime while toothiana is being omnipotent and shit  
jack is probably losing clothing  
f a s t  
did you know nightmare sand can become hands and stuff? y e a h  
so pitch is obviously taking GREAT pleasure in this  
and so is jack it's not a one way street yknow  
but before they can actually do the do there's a bIG EXPLOSION  
jack just shouts "WOW THANKS BUNNY"  
and bunnymund is confused like? how'd you know it was me?  
wow bunny, who else uses explosions? nO ONNNNNE

so tooth is like "wow holy shit jack in boxers"  
she's gone g ye  
bunny is like "okay sheila you nap on the ground then"  
north is like "pitCH YOU HAVE GONE TOO FAR"  
pitch is like actually not yet he still has underwear on  
jack regrets not going commando it would've gone faster  
pitch thinks he can remedy that  
north thinks pitch is doing mind control  
hint: pitch can't. he's right in front of you.  
so bunny is like "okay this is messed up. and tooth's nose is bleeding"  
and jack is like "well yeah i didn't know you were voyeurs?"  
pitch is like "tsktsk to think you guard children"  
north is like "I CANNOT BELIEVE"

so sandy followed against his own better judgement and is just like "okay tooth nap time"  
and tooth is unconscious now hOORAY ONE LESS VOYEUR?  
she's gonna have "nightmares" for _weeks_  
so north is like "saNDY HELP US SAVE JACK"  
sandy is like nah that boy made his choice  
jack is like thanks sandy ur a true friend  
sandy is like yeah yeah keep it out of your dreams  
pitch is like that's an easy fix  
bunny is like "OKAY BUT THIS IS SO MESSED UP"  
jack is like "yeah we covered that why are you still here"  
north is like RESCUE?  
jack is like "okay but this bondage shit is actually kinda hot?"  
bunny's like okAY THAT'S ENOUGH WE'RE GOING HOME  
jack is like nOPE STAYING HERE FUCKING THE NIGHTMARE KING  
pitch is like hell yeah B]

north is still confused because reSCUE?  
bunny is like okay sandy take north with you  
sandy is gone tho he fled with tooth ur on ur own  
north is offended he can RESCUE JACK HIMSELF  
bunny is like okay i think we have to leaVE FIRST  
north is like nO JACK HAS TO BE RESCUED  
bunny is p sure this is not a rescue mission for jack now  
he needs to rescue his SANITY  
which obvs north has already lost  
congrats pitch u broke santa claus  
pitch is like thank i didn't even try

so bunny takes north and they leave like wow FINALLY  
pitch is like "okay but that totally was a mood killer"  
jack reminds him that dinner is TOTALLY an option  
pitch thinks a cage is a better option  
jack is like okay but why?  
pitch is like "dinner and a show for me?"  
jack is like yOU DON"T EAT?  
pitch is like "fear tho"  
jack is like "fuCK"  
pitch is like "not yet"

and so toothiana wakes up and she's like "tHAT WAS HORRIBLE"  
and sandy is like "it was a bad dream u okay?"  
and tooth is like "oH THANK GOD"

then bunny has north and north is unconscious courtesy of sandy  
and bunny is still just like "okay but _why_"  
and also debating beating up cupid like wHYYYYYY?  
and so north is all tucked in snug to make sure he can't run  
gotta strap down your old folks  
never know where they'll wander off to  
so bunny goes to see sandy who's like "shhhhhhhh"  
and tooth is kinda hysterical  
she's losing those GORGEOUS TEETH to PITCH BLACK  
aka tooth decay ahahahhahahaha wow so funny  
and bunny's like "okay but MIND CONTROL also jack sucks"  
toothiana's like EXCUSE?  
bunny says nothing it was the elves  
elves are like "oh god no"

so in the mean time jack is like "okay even I'm getting cold now"  
pitch is like you still have your briefs calm down  
jack just wants a cushion to sit on at least  
pitch says no it'll freeze anyway ur an ice spirit  
jack is like touché bastard  
pitch is like do i need to shut you up again?  
jack says "no but yeS"  
pitch is like wow this hormone thing is great  
except he doeSN'T KNOW WHY HE;S STILL GOT A BONER  
LIKE IT SHOULD BE GONE NOW HE HATE-MADE-OUT WITH JACK  
jack is like "haha fuck you welcome to the world of homosexuality"  
pitch is like NO ABSOLUTELY NOT  
jack is like i could top you any day and you know it  
pitch is like okay time for you to shut up again  
jack is like you have to get me out and make me

guess what they totally fucked in the cage  
better than wwe smackdown any day

bonus time with cupid  
he had nothing to do with this  
but he totally had something to do with getting bunnymund with tooth  
aka bunny is like "okay but she's like my SISTER"  
and tooth being like "but you have great teeth hand them over"  
except he kIND OF NEEDS THOSE?  
so he redirects her to cupid and he's like "shit"  
and tooth is like "I REMEMBER YOUR BABY TEETH you little bastard you never brushed"


End file.
